Self Help - Men
Man Flu can be a frightening and lonely experience. There's no need to be afraid, we're here to help.
It's important to remember that YOU are an expert in self diagnosis. Don't be influenced by what others, particularly females, may say about your condition. If anyone can say whether you've got Man Flu, it's you, so stick to your instincts.
The first rule of Man Flu is DON'T PANIC. Man Flu can smell fear. Man Flu will normally initially present itself as a bit of a sniffle, dull aching all over or just 'not feeling right'. It's important to let as many people know exactly how you feel, particularly other men. This will give them the opportunity for early preparation should then begin to fall ill.
At this stage you may find women become sarcastic, cold or unsympathetic towards you. This is simply a primitive defence mechanism ensuring that you keep your distance from them and therefore lessen the likelihood of them carrying the virus home to their husband or boyfriend.
It's imperative that you get to your place of safety before the full force of Man Flu takes hold. Phone your nominated female carer (normally wife or girlfriend) and inform her of the crisis which is about to unfold. They must reach you at your place of safety in the initial stages (see The Woman's Role) before you become bed ridden.
Once you're home it's important that you feel as comfortable as possible. Slip into your dressing gown, pop your feet up on the sofa and reach for the remote control. Your nominated female carer will feel helpless as you plunge deeper and deeper into misery. Counter her feeling of helplessness by keeping her occupied with small tasks, such as massaging your feet or using a sponge to lightly dampen your forehead. Allow her to prepare Man Flu comfort foods such as chicken noodle soup, or put Man Flu comfort television on, such as Police! Camera! Action!, or All The Goals of the World Cup 2006. Keep her fit and healthy by regularly sending her to the shops for a selection of men's magazines for you to browse. Remember, you're doing this for her. She can monitor how ill you are by using the Snotometer©.
If you didn't die from your Man Flu (thankfully, increasingly more commonplace) it is imperative that a period of convalescence is taken. All to often men try to soldier on through the last symptoms only to be flung back into the depths of the illness because they didn't rest for the full term of the condition. Begin by moving short distances away from the sofa. Try not to mention your near death experience. Try to eat food that is 'healthy' rather than 'comforting'. But don't overdo it.
Frequently, following a period of Man Flu, the nominated female carer may also start to exhibit symptoms such as a runny nose and aching joints. This is, of course, the common cold and not Man Flu (obviously!). By far, the best way for her to deal with this is carry on with her normal day to day routine as if the cold wasn't there. After all, it's hardly Man Flu, is it?